"My Son" a song to live by

 

I’ve become addicted to the ‘shorts’ that come over the smart phone.

I’ve got to do something about that. Not today, though.

Fortunately, I try to feed the algorithm information for its selection of good stuff. And it works. Occasionally I get something good.

Yesterday, I heard a song with the title of, I think, ‘The Other WayAround’; the guy was singing to his son about how much the boy looks up to him, that the (the dad) is his whole world, and the dad tells him, ‘it’s the other way around’. The boy is saying, “Don’t say that. It makes me cry. I’m crying ‘Happy Tears’. I know what he means. I hate crying, even 'happy tears'.

I can’t find the song on YouTube anywhere; I find a lot of 'other way around's, just not the right one. So if you find it, please send me the link. It'll have the lyric: "He thinks I hung the moon somehow ..." Thanks.

It did remind me of another song I’d added to one of my many playlists, and I spent much of last night trying to find it (the reason for ‘many playlists’ is to categorize and keep each individual list short. Well, shorter. It doesn’t work, and I have a long list of playlists. But I digress …). The list it was in was ‘Crazy Country’, and I found a lot of other things along the way: stuff by Home Free (a great a cappella group, btw), Cotton Pickin’ Kids, Homer & Jethro.

And Elvie Shane.

This is the long way ‘round to get to my point. The song: ‘My Son’ kinda says everything about what foster/adoption is all about. It’s not just about helping the children. It’s about filling a hole in your (my) own soul.

How do I explain this without sounding selfish? I can’t, I guess. But the making of one small person’s life as whole as you can has the benefit of making one’s own life whole as well. It’s unavoidable.

Explaining this to people can difficult.

Questions: “Which one is your real child?” They are all my real children. “Well, you know what I mean.” Yes I do. And your question is impertinent. They are all my children. You are only looking for gossip material. “Bless you for the good work you do.” Depending on the source, this one perplexes me. My wife and I are not doing this for ‘stars in our crowns’. We see a need we can meet and we are meeting it. Though people on the outside see this as charity work, it’s not. Or the statement: “I don’t understand how you can love someone who is not your blood kin.” Well, I love my wife, and she’s not my blood kin. “But that’s different!” It is, and it isn’t. But how do I help people understand this?

I think the most hurtful are the statements made by family.

After the funeral for my father-in-law another family member sat with his wife and started listing the grandkids. And left our adopted kids off the list. (I don’t think the person realized I was sitting there.)

That hurt.

I didn’t call attention to it at the time; like I said, this was the day of the funeral for my father-in-law. Nothing would have been served by my mentioning this person's omission at the time, no matter how low-key I voiced it. Mom-in-law knew the truth in any case, as one of my daughter’s children had been living in the home as sort of supercargo while my wife had been helping dad-in-law take care of mom-in-law. It’s all water under the bridge at this point.

However, that child, my grandchild, is now eighteen  and will graduate High School in thirteen days. Scary. She makes me proud.

Yeah, we fight, but we make up. I scold her, encourage her to do better. Take her to task. She takes me to task sometimes.

 Later today I’ll most likely be helping her with one last Physics assignment, and the teacher that I am, I won’t be letting her slide through it. I’ll be helping her understand how this relates to the real world around her.

And, like the arrows in the hand of a mighty man, I will help launch one more child into the world.

World, you have been warned, here comes another Hansen!

And you, child-now-grown, fly straight and true. Know that I love you, and you have added as much and more to our lives as we have given to you.

That’s the nature of generosity: as you help someone else, you build strength in yourself.

I don’t understand it; I only can state from experience that it is true.

Be Generous. Take a kid under your wing.  

Yes, You Can!

Revisiting Foster Care and Adoption

In its way, it's all about happy endings.

Not the end of  twenty-three minute long sitcom happy endings, but real happy endings. Real stories of survival. 

ReMoved is the beginning of one such story, and Remember My Story - ReMoved Part 2 is the continuation.  I say 'continuation', because no story truly ends. I'll let the videos speak for themselves. They pull no punches. That they are dramas does not take away from their speaking true things.

That we need a child welfare system is an unfortunate fact. That the children in the system survive at all is a tribute to the strong men and women who make the choice to open their homes, to make a safe landing pad, a haven for these children, to have the patience and strength and bottomless hearts full of unconditional love to share with such children in need. They know, just like the song lyric 'The Only Way Out is Through.' 

All of them saying a version of the same thing: you need to put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving. Another link: The Best Way Out is Always Through. 

Many of us, not to say most of us, are fighting battles every day, battles of 'quite desperation'. Sometimes not so quiet. These children are in their own battles. And these battles are not of their making. What do you do when you are in a battle, and you are powerless?

Let us look at the children in their situations: abusive/neglectful home environment. Not necessarily the financially impoverished environments, but the ones of emotional violence, physical violence/abuse. Those environs where it is amazing that any child could survive, never mind thrive. Look at that, then, and remember: these children often have very little understanding that this is not the way things should be. They only know that this is the way things ARE. They may not like the way things are, but that's all they know.

When something happens to bring these children to the attention of the authorities, these children do not understand that they are being taken for their own good. No. All they know that their world is crashing down. They may have unstable moorings. But that is better than NO moorings. It's been said, 'better the devil you know than the one you don't know'. And that is EXACTLY where they find themselves. As bad as their lives may be to us, the outsiders, it is all they KNOW. And the unknown is always worse than what is known, even if WE know it is ultimately for the better.

Depending on the situation, some children may welcome the escape; they may have an understanding that life has to be better than what they are going through. Even so, in a life full of fear, the uncertain is better than the unknown.

And truly, some of the foster homes are as bad, or worse, than the homes they had been pulled from. The system is the system, and the broken parts need to be fixed.

So why are you going on about this, Mister Madman?

Good question. This is where you come in. You can be part of the solution. You can help a child put one foot in front of the other so they can get to the far side of 'Through'. 

You can help them to their 'Happy Continuation'.

You've heard me say, on this blog, that these kids need an opportunity to live a normal life, to have a loving, caring, protective (but not overprotective) family situation. I will continue to say it, and I will continue to encourage people to become part of that solution.

Remember: for these kids going back is seldom an option. Their only option is: Through. Through the broken hearts, through the tears, through the inexplicable acting out. Through the failure to bond, the often unvoiced view that it will be easier not to make friends with this new family ('I'll only be ripped from them, too'). 

By the time you become their next stepping stone to the future, that child or those children may have become emotional icebergs or raging volcanoes of anger. Or both. Generally not a lot in between. Hope is an unknown to many of them.

But, these children deserve a chance. You can be the one to give them that chance.

Because of these things, it will NOT be easy for you. And you WILL make mistakes. Some days you will think you are doing more harm than good. Do your best to do good, ANYWAY.

Remember how hard it was for your parents to raise you. Raising these kids will likely be ten times as hard. 

Remember, like that public service ad says, 'You don't have to be perfect to be a good foster parent. You just have to be there.' (If I misquote, my apologies).

Be there.

Be there. Be strong. Be loving. Be patient. Give grace. Give lots of grace. Keep loving. Keep giving. 

Keep going.

Yes, you can!

(To my own kids: I apologize for all the things I’ve done wrong. Some of these things I knew were wrong at the time, and that is the greatest wrong. I’m sorry. Words are not enough.)