Revisiting Foster Care and Adoption

In its way, it's all about happy endings.

Not the end of  twenty-three minute long sitcom happy endings, but real happy endings. Real stories of survival. 

ReMoved is the beginning of one such story, and Remember My Story - ReMoved Part 2 is the continuation.  I say 'continuation', because no story truly ends. I'll let the videos speak for themselves. They pull no punches. That they are dramas does not take away from their speaking true things.

That we need a child welfare system is an unfortunate fact. That the children in the system survive at all is a tribute to the strong men and women who make the choice to open their homes, to make a safe landing pad, a haven for these children, to have the patience and strength and bottomless hearts full of unconditional love to share with such children in need. They know, just like the song lyric 'The Only Way Out is Through.' 

All of them saying a version of the same thing: you need to put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving. Another link: The Best Way Out is Always Through. 

Many of us, not to say most of us, are fighting battles every day, battles of 'quite desperation'. Sometimes not so quiet. These children are in their own battles. And these battles are not of their making. What do you do when you are in a battle, and you are powerless?

Let us look at the children in their situations: abusive/neglectful home environment. Not necessarily the financially impoverished environments, but the ones of emotional violence, physical violence/abuse. Those environs where it is amazing that any child could survive, never mind thrive. Look at that, then, and remember: these children often have very little understanding that this is not the way things should be. They only know that this is the way things ARE. They may not like the way things are, but that's all they know.

When something happens to bring these children to the attention of the authorities, these children do not understand that they are being taken for their own good. No. All they know that their world is crashing down. They may have unstable moorings. But that is better than NO moorings. It's been said, 'better the devil you know than the one you don't know'. And that is EXACTLY where they find themselves. As bad as their lives may be to us, the outsiders, it is all they KNOW. And the unknown is always worse than what is known, even if WE know it is ultimately for the better.

Depending on the situation, some children may welcome the escape; they may have an understanding that life has to be better than what they are going through. Even so, in a life full of fear, the uncertain is better than the unknown.

And truly, some of the foster homes are as bad, or worse, than the homes they had been pulled from. The system is the system, and the broken parts need to be fixed.

So why are you going on about this, Mister Madman?

Good question. This is where you come in. You can be part of the solution. You can help a child put one foot in front of the other so they can get to the far side of 'Through'. 

You can help them to their 'Happy Continuation'.

You've heard me say, on this blog, that these kids need an opportunity to live a normal life, to have a loving, caring, protective (but not overprotective) family situation. I will continue to say it, and I will continue to encourage people to become part of that solution.

Remember: for these kids going back is seldom an option. Their only option is: Through. Through the broken hearts, through the tears, through the inexplicable acting out. Through the failure to bond, the often unvoiced view that it will be easier not to make friends with this new family ('I'll only be ripped from them, too'). 

By the time you become their next stepping stone to the future, that child or those children may have become emotional icebergs or raging volcanoes of anger. Or both. Generally not a lot in between. Hope is an unknown to many of them.

But, these children deserve a chance. You can be the one to give them that chance.

Because of these things, it will NOT be easy for you. And you WILL make mistakes. Some days you will think you are doing more harm than good. Do your best to do good, ANYWAY.

Remember how hard it was for your parents to raise you. Raising these kids will likely be ten times as hard. 

Remember, like that public service ad says, 'You don't have to be perfect to be a good foster parent. You just have to be there.' (If I misquote, my apologies).

Be there.

Be there. Be strong. Be loving. Be patient. Give grace. Give lots of grace. Keep loving. Keep giving. 

Keep going.

Yes, you can!

(To my own kids: I apologize for all the things I’ve done wrong. Some of these things I knew were wrong at the time, and that is the greatest wrong. I’m sorry. Words are not enough.)

 

Which versus What

I was caught by one of those YouTube offerings the other night. You know the stuff: comedy, history, music, odd videos that don't categorize well sometimes.

This was a humor video, stand-up comedy by a lady named Jeanne Robertson (JeanneRobertson.com - free plug, enjoy) I liked it because it was my favorite combination of attributes: Clean and Funny. It didn't hurt that she is about my age (sixty-something), and spoke, indirectly, to this common issue of opposites attracting. She is a free spirit, not to say a blithe (does anyone use that word anymore?) spirit; and her husband is nick-named 'Left-Brain', for his down-to-earth, matter-of-fact, analytical ... oh, well, heck, let's just say it: 'Left-Brain' is a stick-in-the-mud. His idea of adventure is going to a different burger joint than usual.

I may be running him down too much. If so, Mrs. Robertson is welcome to take me to task.

Some of the best relationships can come from such pairings.

Another person who has acknowledged these different pairings, and has had much to say about them is Dave Ramsey (www.ramseysolutions.com/financial/peace/ - another free plug), with his comparisons between the Nerd versus the Free-Spirit. His famous call: "Nerds and Free-Spirits Unite!" is part of his desire to get these pairings on the same page so they can have a successful life and not wake up poor.

And then there is us, my wife and me. On the face of it I am the 'Nerd' while she is the 'Free-Spirit'. And I can be very much the stick-in-the-mud, and very devoted to science, math, and other 'hard' studies. Whereas my wife is very creative, is a story-teller, creates wonderful costumes (the bear-cub has been just about everything for one Halloween or another, except a 'bear-cub'), can take the five forgotten things in the fridge and turn them into a wonderful meal.

So, it's obvious. I'm the nerd and she's the free-spirit.

Except we're not. Close observers will see that SHE is the one who keeps the books, or ought to, and LIKES it, and I am the one who daydreams. What we are, and always have been, are square pegs trying to fit into round holes. 

What is nifty, though, is that while we are oddities, we are also wonderfully matched. We have common interests, as well as complementary interests and skill sets. In other words, we have enough in common that we can 'pull together' in the same direction (most of the time, at least), and enough differences that we can cover each other's lacks, (most of the time). 

If I were the one to plan things, it's often done at the last minute, and jury-rigged. I need to have my dear, sweet, wonderful wife be the person to do the planning if it is to be accomplished, and accomplished well. 

Well, that's not quite true. I have been known to plan. I plan getaway times so that I KNOW I will not be late someplace. And I've heard the comments of fellow travelers (those riding with me), and fielded their questions/statements "we could've left later if you'd go faster."

And that was true. However, as sure as you are reading this if I had touched the accelerator and gone above the posted limit by even just a few miles per hour, the local constabulary, or county mounty, or Highway Patrol would be pulling us (me) over. And he would not be impressed that we were in a hurry to get to a sales meeting that we would now definitely be late to.

He or she would write the ticket listing the moving violation, as well as any other bonus issues that the officer's sharp eye would bring to light, smile, hand me the ticket, and tell me to drive carefully. And would my fellow sales-people help pay the fine? Maybe, but likely not. And the points go on MY license, not theirs.

So I plan for the time of the trip and don't speed.

I also planned for my career at the Big Red 'R', making sure I had all the bases covered and crossed every 'i' and dotted every 't', eventually becoming a manager of a store. 

I did well, but at the same time, it was too much for me.

Subject change: Jeanne Robertson (remember her) has a running theme in her talks: Always find the humor no matter the situation. If life hands you peanuts, make peanut butter. Or something like that.

I was fired from the 'Shack. I'll get into the reasons some other time. Maybe. But don't hold your breath.

I was fired, and it was not my first experience of being fired. I'm not sure you can easily come up with a humorous view of such events. I really never have. 

At the same time it can give you an opportunity to look at your strengths and choose a new direction. It kind of forces you to do this, actually.

So my longer-range goal of becoming a store manager, and my plans to get there, came to fruition. and I forgot the next step: consolidate the achievement and determine how to run the store honorably and successfully. Then make a new goal and create a new plan. 

I worked at doing the one and hadn't gotten to doing the other. I had also forgotten to find a way to relax. In time I might have come to grips with what I needed to do to keep my employees happy, my customers happy, and ultimately keeping me happy and healthy. With a smile on my face I think I might have taken that store to being a million dollar store. 

But that's water under the bridge.

I should mention at this point that my mom would cross up two metaphors: 'water under the bridge' with 'water over the dam', often coming up with 'water over the bridge', or sometimes 'water under the dam'.

Which brings us back to 'Which versus What'.

What is your focus? What are your strengths? Can you do it all yourself? Do you have the time to do it all yourself? If you had someone you could trust to do the things that person or those persons are best at how would that help you do what you are best at?

Which path is the better path to get you where you want to go? How does it help the people helping you to get there? Are they willing to follow you there? 

Why?

I watched/heard a TED talk some time back that illustrated these ideas. It is very much worth the watch.  (https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action/  Yet another free plug. You're welcome.)

Why do I do what I do?

I have to be honest, I have never seen myself as a leader. This has gotten in the way of my being the head of my household, much to my wife's frustration, as well as the frustration of my children. I react instead of leading. Very little planning is done besides just day-to-day stuff. I have no idea where I want to be in a year or five, or even much further than the next five days.

In my position, what would you suggest that I do? How can I find my why? And where do I find the humor to sustain me and those around me? 

As always, though, whatever your plans are, whatever your trials are, whatever your strengths are, you can make it one more day, at least.

Yes, You Can!

Zamizdat, Dance, and White Nights

About a month ago I hunted up a DVD at my local library. They didn't have it, but they were able to borrow it from another branch.

I love libraries, by the way.

Anyway, the the movie was 'White Nights', and I had checked it out because of the dancing. The Bear Cub is a dancer, and had not seen it. I take the opportunities I find to introduce her to dance that she may not have seen. Her preference is Hip Hop, but she enjoys all forms. For myself, I believe the statement that 70's song 'Teach the Children Well' is a good guideline: feed [the Bear Cub] on my dreams and see what she picks.

My many dreams include acting, singing, movement (I tend more to Mime than dance), and the sciences.

An odd mix, I'll admit.

The Bear Cub early on showed herself to be a dancer. Always on her toes, seldom did her heels touch the floor when she was a young child. She enjoyed singing and always being the drama queen. But her first love is dance.

Which brings me to 'White Nights'. The dancing is outstanding, and all too brief. 

The Bear Cub was impressed.

Then there was the story. Without giving anything away (I try to avoid spoilers) the story is about a Russian ballet dancer who defected, was on his way from one dance engagement to the next when the aircraft had an in-flight emergency and had to make a landing in an 'any port in a storm' fashion. That landing was in the Soviet Union, and at a Soviet military airfield. 

Defector reclaimed.

The rest of the movie revolves around him trying to find a way back out of the Soviet Union. See the movie.

Mikhail Baryshnikov plays the role of the dancer, and since he is indeed a Soviet defector and a ballet dancer, this could be considered type-casting. His foil in this story is an American defector, a tap dancer, played by the late Gregory Hines (outstanding in the role).

In accordance to the Law of  Unintended Consequences, what started as showing the Bear Cub some dance ended up reminding me of just how much freedom we have in this country, and how this is being curtailed in the name of security and safety. Even the notion of Free Speech is being infringed in inconceivable ways, making any notion counter to the notion espoused by the mainstream media has to take to alternate methods, almost to the point of becoming American Zamizdat. 

Zamizdat was underground news, opinions, and music, and all things unapproved by the Politburo, passed along by underground means. This goes without saying that it was fought against, by fair means or foul, by the State. 

Is that what we are coming to? I would say: YES!

The Internet, once the great equalizer has become a force of censorship. But it is NOT the government doing the censoring. In the name of 'Political Correctness', posts are being taken down from social media pages, lest they offend someone's sensibilities. Blogs are taken down for the same reason. News is becoming one-sided and editorials pretend to be news stories. And people (those 'wrong-headed'ones) are being banned and muzzled, including a former President. 

To these Arbiters of Thought, it is not enough to simply disagree with these people of differing opinions, These People Must Be SILENCED! They must be silenced for the good of all 'right-thinking' people, the ones who feel unsafe the moment a conflicting thought is seen or heard, the ones who are afraid to think for themselves. And if the counter-culturalists won't be silenced, then they must be destroyed! The force of identity politics is brought to bear.

If an idea cannot stand up to a conflicting thought, then that idea is poorly thought out. If you must resort to such unfair methods to silence your opposition, you are a tyrant.

Don't be a tyrant.

Instead, we must follow Voltaire's example: 

"I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!"

The solution to so-called bad speech is more speech. Put one thought up against the other in the marketplace of ideas and let the ideas duke it out. Fight fair, and may the best idea win!

If you must resort to censorship to protect your idea, then that idea is a poor idea. And don't pull out that chestnut: 'It's not the government so it can't be censorship' line. It doesn't matter who gags you to prevent your ideas from being expressed, it is censorship. If you are coerced into self-censorship, afraid what your peers may think and say, that is censorship. If a government prevents the free assembly of your group to petition our government for redress of grievances, calling that group 'Insurrectionists', that is censorship, . 

If a person or group in charge of providing connectivity and voices to those who have something to say (such as you), decide that some things may not be said, ESPECIALLY on the basis of what that speech is, they are guilty of censorship, just as surely as if they broke into your newspaper's office and destroyed your presses.

Whatever is done to 'unlevel' the playing field, that is censorship, no matter how blatant or subtle.

The movie White Nights wasn't about Dance. It was about the one place in the world that a person could pursue their own path, to be free to choose that path, win or lose, to succeed or fail. Nothing guaranteed, except to have their own expression presented in the arena of ideas. Dance or Diatribe, Song or Polemic, to be able to bring an idea to life, whether it is a building or a statue, or a machine to help complete a task (think bulldozers, welders, even autonomous robots, all helping to build), or to create a new way of healing. Or anything else.

Think of ideas that enable governments, our government in particular, to protect these freedoms. Think of a government that gets out of the way of people 'taking care of business'. Think of the productivity of these people. Think of the freedom to be yourself.

It all comes down to Freedom. Freedom to speak. Freedom to act. Freedom to live unencumbered by unnecessary rules. 

Is the United States of America perfect? No. But nothing is.

Does this country come closest to the ideal of freedom for all? YES. Are we perfectly there yet? No.

 Are we as a nation collectively moving in that direction? I believe we are. But there are some pushing in the opposite direction, disingenuously waving the flag of 'freedom'.

I'm reminded of ants on an anthill: two ants may find something that needs to be moved and they each attach themselves to it. They may head the same direction. Or they may have a tug of war trying to move that item. They each have what they think is the best idea on what to do. And in the end that pebble or morsel of food arrives at its (in the ants' opinion) proper destination. Sometimes it is the wrong destination. Somehow the ants get it sorted out.

We are more than ants. We should not, we CANNOT muzzle one another lest we miss the best ideas. We must not let some ideas become only available as Zamizdat. ALL ideas should be heard, and heard openly. 

That is how we find the best thoughts, the best ideas, by hearing them, letting them be tested in the crucible of true public opinion, not the stuff the talking heads give us.

We must all fight for freedom, beginning with the freedom of voice, the freedom of not being muzzled.

Yes, You Can!

Yes, We MUST!

E Pluribus Unum!

Let's see if THIS blog stays up!

The Devil is in the Details

Most of us want to do ‘better’, to be ‘better’, to be our ‘best’ at something. But ‘better’ is a vague notion. Most of us will not get better without help, without discipline, without a will and a drive to improve. Some of us, all we need is a direction to go, and we will march forever. Others need a schedule and a calendar, not to mention a map. Yet others need a drill instructor, driving us onward. And all of us need one more thing:

A yardstick.

In the wild, individual members of a species have a biological imperative to succeed; they have a goal hard-wired into their biology and structure that they cannot escape, and a method they can only adjust, not defeat. This programming may be ‘sufficient unto the day’ as the individual carries through its life, or it may not be. If it is, then it may pass along its successful programming to the next generation. Such is called Natural Selection.

If the species is Man, what is Nature selecting for now?

That may be a bit unfair, as we are causing changes to our world perhaps faster than we can keep up.
On the other hand, ours is a unique species, in that our biologic imperative to succeed is somewhat subject to that knob of gray matter in our skull. For good or ill, our major powers are subject to the decisions created in our frontal cortex. That, which can be programmed to direct our energies in particular directions or no useful directions at all, can make us. Or break us.

When I started writing Yes, you can!, I wrote with the idea of reprogramming that knob of matter. It is hard, harder than I thought. Patterns, once entrenched, do not easily admit change. The very act of writing the book, a story a week, became much stretched. I am one of those that needs regimentation, and I have trouble enforcing on myself. Perhaps, you, too.

I have yet a far way to go, the need to ignore distractions, and the desire to find that passion that would drive me onward of its accord. That last may never happen. Until it does, or until my story ends, I will fight onward to find the ‘it’ I’m supposed to do. Meanwhile, among other things, I will continue to write.

It ain’t necessarily a living. But it is a life. I am going to do my best to live it.

So can you.

Yes, you can!

He Musta Got Better

Robert Milne died June 5th 2005, at age 49.
That is not an extraordinary fact. Many people die at that age.
How and where he died is the extraordinary part: at an altitude of approximately 8850 meters during a final push to reach the summit of Mt. Everest.
When I knew Mr. Milne (we attended the same high school) he struck me a something of a nerd. 

That's ok. He was focused on a goal: to study computer science. He had a love of mountain climbing. The two came together when he was field testing a telemetry device in the most remote locations: mountaintops. He had, prior to this trip, already summited the highest peaks of the other six continents and had just this one remaining. He didn't quite make it.
You can't really say that he failed in his quest, though. He went where his vision led him and I presume died with few, if any, regrets. Having more than my share of regrets, I envy him that.
Harry Chapin (singer-songwriter, wrote Taxi, Cat's in the Cradle, 30,000 lbs of Bananas) wrote a bit of advice given to him by his grandfather. In the interest of NOT infringing on copy-rights, I point you to a link on Amazon.com: My Grandfather .

Do your best to fight your own fights, as much as you can, and the fights you care about. Fighting somebody else's fights may be necessary in the course of your life (and, of course, do your best with those, too).

But, do not neglect your own battles, your own goals, your own dreams.

Yes, You Can.

The Madman

An Interesting Thought.

(originally written 7 feb 2009)

If you’ve never read the book: Ben-Hur, I commend to you to do so. The movie Ben-Hur is good (an understatement) but of necessity leaves out much important information. If you don’t wish to purchase a copy, by all means download a plain-vanilla copy from Project Gutenberg (www.gutenberg.org). That’s where I got my copy. I’m not done reading it, yet. But I noticed something in the Fifth Book, where the protagonist comes into a considerable sum of wealth. His steward informs that with such wealth, Judah Ben-Hur could do anything. But he suggests one particular thing: the Messiah is deemed to be poor, though a king; would it not be good for Judah to use his wealth and training to provide the army the Messiah would undoubtedly need?

That they have it wrong is part of the story; I bid you read it for the details. As a historical drama, it is every bit as thrilling as the latest Tom Clancy.

But think: we need not have great wealth to place in our Lord’s service, nor great skills. We only need to be willing to place what we have in His hands, to do with them as He bids us.

What do you have? What can you do?

You can give and do your best.

Yes, you can!